Working with troubled teens in pain

Coercive approach discipline vs. Strength-Based Intervention: Meeting the Needs of Troubled Teens in Pain

For two centuries, there have been attempts to eliminate coercive discipline practices in education and treatment. At Abundant Life Academy (ALA), a Christian boarding school for troubled teens, we have found the effectual use of the “Strength-Based Intervention.  At Abundant Life Academy we don’t believe in the coercive approach. The coercive approach is the authoritarian (parent/staff) use of punishment, restrictions from privileges, restrictions from friends, restrictions from their belongings). ALA uses Positive Peer Culture (PPC), a student driven community-based leadership program where the students are responsible for each other, for their community, and are called to protect pro-social norms.  The PPC is a student run community where the students support one another, coach each other, and expect greatness for everyone. Abundant Life Academy is all about choice, accountability, and responsibility for themselves, each other, and the community (including all Staff).

Now, a new positive view of working with troubled teens that focuses on identifying the teen’s strengths, which lead to “resilient outcomes”. When the needs of teens are not met, they can show a wide range of emotional and behavioral problems (acting out behavior). These behavioral problems indicate that troubled children and youth are reacting to distressing life circumstances, most of which they have created themselves, with “pain-based behavior” (which is another way of describing “acting out behavior”). Those who deal with such behavior often lack the necessary understanding and emotional restraint (skills to prevent and manage crisis situations), and therefore they respond with “pain-based responses). Essentially, the teen’s “pain-based behavior” is met with coercive interventions from the parent, teacher, coach, youth pastor, policemen, and most other adults. Among the most inadequate and counter-productive measures to manage “pain-based behavior” is to practices restraint and seclusion.  Restraint is to take away freedom, access, and relationships, secluding the teen through age-old methods such as “restriction”.  In other words a teen that is being “corrected” is forbidden to leave the house, cell and land phones taken away, can’t play that “vial” music, and absolutely cannot hang out with those negative friends.

There is a vast difference between coercive and strength-base strategies.  When it comes to the point of managing teen behavior there is a polarization between coercive and strength-based approaches.  At Abundant Life Academy we designed our program philosophies around the strength-based philosophy.  Unfortunately, most adults (parents and staff) are entrenched in the “coercive” ways of punishment that they really struggle to let go of life-long deeply engrained reacts to the acting out teen.  What is even more troublesome is the fact that the students-leaders of ALA immediately use their leadership authority to attempt to punish their peers who are acting out.  In spite of the obvious ineffectiveness of coercion, the punishment/restriction/oppression style approach still persists in most adults (parents and staff), and the belief that coercion works for maintaining order and discipline is very hard to uproot and eliminate.

The alternative to coercion is found in the strength-based restorative approach. To be effective with the strength-based philosophy parents, staff, and students must be trained to provide the skills necessary that will transform adversarial relationships caused by the “authoritarian” coercion. Essentially, the parents, staff, and students all need to make a major paradigm shift, which will only come through intensive training and “real world application”.  Since the “restoration” and corrective approach to boarding school programs cascade down from leadership levels (Parents and Directors) through staff (Life Coaches) to the students, training should involve everyone.  To switch over to the strength-based approach, and find successful transformation and internal growth, there must be total “buy-in” from all parties.  Without total buy-in we have the same old problems with the same old outcomes (US vs THEM).

Teenagers in conflict need positive “life coaches” from parents, staff, and their peers. This requires the creation of a safe emotional environment, respectful relationships built on “trust, care, and serve”, and unified group-community climates focused on “serving one another”.  Unfortunately, most adults and peer leaders feel threatened (loss of power, authority, respect, and control) from teens under their care.  Those who feel threatened (parents, staff, peer leaders) often retaliate with hostility or the threat of restriction.  When this occurs the troubled teen reacts in kind, escalating the conflict, and therefore the “dance of insanity” begins.  Pain-based behavior is reacted to by the parent’s or staff’s own pain-based behavior (punishment, restriction, humiliation) and therefore a power struggle begins.  The adult or peer leader will attempt to regain control (manage the pain-based reactions) by asserting authority and taking away power from the acting out teen. In these cases there are no winners, only losers, and where the “dance of insanity” is inadvertently supported.

At the core of all emotional and behavioral problems are unmet needs.  In most cases the Abundant Life Academy student has his/her needs met in every way, so it is their “perception” of unmet needs that cause the pain-based behavior (acting out episodes).  To a teen, their perception, real or imagined, is the absolute truth. They are 110% convinced that they are the victims of adults, victims of unfairness, victims that have the right to blame others for their particular unmet needs.  In some cases, troubled teens believe that they have an absolute right to do as they wish, to hang out with the wrong crowd, dress and talk as they wish, drop out of school, start smoking, drinking, and using drugs.  They feel as though their parents are the victimizers, restricting the rights of the child to live and do as they wish.

Any authority that sets forth rules, regulations, or laws that forbid the teen to act in the way they want (I want, what I want, when I want it) become the victimizer, and the teen’s perception is that all authority is gay, stupid, and retarded.  This teen believes that they have the absolute right to a cell phone, access to friends, and they demand that all rules restricting their behaviors are “ruining their lives”.  At Abundant Life Academy we call this “Entitlementitis”, or extreme emotional immaturity.  There is no way to reason with a teen that is trapped in this self-centered mindset.  Therefore, the most common approach that parents, teachers, law enforcement officers do to react to a child’s entitlement issues is to restrict and restrain their movements, their actions, their relationships, and their freedom.  It sounds good, and it does have an impact.  Unfortunately, it has the opposite reaction than what is expected.  These immature teens fight the loss of their control, and their acting out behavior gets worse.

The truth is that parents and authority figures find it difficult to recognize or respond to the teen’s unmet needs because the teen really doesn’t have unmet needs, these needs are only ridiculous perceptions of what the teen believes he/she is entitled too.  Moreover, the troubled teen’s disruptive behavior is so outrageous it calls for “extreme interventions.” The parent and all authority figures believe that they must maintain safety, order, and discipline. Therefore they enact a variety of coercive interventions that are widely accepted as corrective measures.  Adults are convinced that these measures serve the best interest of the troubled teen, despite the obvious ineffectiveness.

Abundant Life Academy wants to train parents, staff, and students to look at the routine use of coercive methods used to control and discipline troubled teens.  We want everyone to pay special attention to the “restraint and seclusion” approach to managing behaviors of troubled teens (entitled self-centeredness), and then compare them to the strength-based alternatives.  We are attempting to get 110% buy-in to the strength-base approach so that we can use the evidence of the outcome to become our new teacher.  Meaning, if it works, then we will get the buy-in that leads to total restoration and growth.

Pain-Based Behavior

Most authority figures focus on the observable problem behavior, behavior that is ridiculous, selfish, immature, retarded, annoying, and causes the adult to be irritated, distracted, put off, and angry. Unfortunately we ignore the internal reasons of “why”?  Why is this kid acting out, acting retarded, making foolish choices, acting like an idiot?  Parents often state, “We didn’t raise you this way!”  Parents are completely confused and perplexed.  They have no idea how to relate to this kind of behavior (even though as teens they may have displayed the same behaviors).  There are many factors that may be causing the emotional immaturity and acting out.  We already mentioned that the base of the behavior is “unmet needs”.  Many of the factors (unmet needs) are not based in reality, therefore parents miss the mark and are left with a major lack of understanding, therefore a lack of empathy, therefore a lack of connectivity, therefore a lack of resolve with no progress or success.  Therefore the parent is left with more frustration, more confusion, and more coercion.

One of the most important factors that lead to the pain-based behavior is the teens perspective that their “pain, or internal conflict/confusion is not understood by the adult care givers.”  Other teens understand their internal pain, but most adults are clueless, and show no desire to understand.  Therefore, over a period of time the “Us vs. Them” mentality sets in.  The troubled teen becomes more isolated from healthy relationships, and they began to seek out and cling to peers who seem to “understand” their plight.  Unfortunately, collusion between troubled and misunderstood teens is not good.  The spiral downward is ready to begin.  The more the teen acts out his/her pain-based behavior, the further he/she is driven away from the adult, and they more they seek out the collusion from other frustrated teens.  It now gets worse.  Parents, trying to regain control, restrict the troubled teen from the collusional relationships, the very people who “understand” their internal battle.  The troubled teen in this case becomes more troubled.  They will find a way, through complete defiance if need be, to reconnect to the unhealthy peer relationships.  The same is true with sex, drugs, alcohol, and other forms of defiance.  The troubled teen finds “understanding and comfort” in the use of sex, drugs, and alcohol.  Meaning, during these subculture activities, the troubled teen feels “understood” and acceptance.  Unfortunately they don’t see the dangers, the consequences, or the eventual loss of all things important to them.  When the parents find out about these anti-social influences they radically restrict their teen from engaging in “that group”.

Emotional distress within the ALA student is the root of the “pain-based behavior”.  The typical ALA student is usually not a deviant, or a bad kid.  Good parents with the best intentions have raised the ALA students.  They come form healthy environments, good homes, and they have been somewhat protected from the hardships and problems that are found in dysfunctional families.  In many cases, it’s very bizarre to imagine that the typical ALA student is emotionally distressed or disturbed.  There are no obvious “reasons”.  But, to the teen their “perceived” problems are just as real as those who have actually experienced major trauma.  Most ALA students have been “rescued” over and over again by a “helicopter” parent, hovering, and controlling every situation.  The helicopter parent has good intentions when they blame their child’s educational performance on the teacher, or the school, or the child’s friends.  The helicopter parent sends a powerful message that the child hears their entire life.  They hear, “I am not able to handle my affairs, and when I make bad choices I will not be held responsible, therefore I don’t care what I have done, I am the victim”.  Of course, there is the harsh controlling parent that criticizes their child while overlooking his/her accomplishments and triumphs.  To the harsh critical parent their child’s behavior is never good enough, and they can do better.  There is also the parent that lives out their unmet needs through their child’s life.  Every decision made about the child is not “about” the child at all.  It’s about the parent and their comforts, meeting their needs, despite what is good for the child.

The sad part is that not many people are equipped to recognize the pain that is hidden underneath all the outrageous behavior (acting out behavior).  The normal response to a teens acting out behavior is a direct brutal verbal lashing and a threat of punishment. Another response will be to restrict the teen from his/her friends (take away the computer, the internet, and the cell phone), restrict them from freedom of movement (restricting them to home, taking away their car, keeping them from hanging out with friends).  Parents who respond to their troubled teen will tell you that these responses don’t work, and they will go so far as to say they are counter-productive.  Meaning, these responses make the situation worse. Those same parents will tell you that even though they don’t work they will continue to respond in the same manner.

The troubled behavior of entitled teens are closely related to the real state of emotional distress of a child who has experience severe abuse, neglect, and interference of natural development.  Meaning, that well-balanced and healthy teens who are entitled experience emotional distresses as if they were in a very dysfunctional and abusive environment growing up. Many distresses, real or perceived, can disrupt well-being:

- Physical stressors produce physiological distress. Examples are abuse, as well as neglect of basic needs for food, sleep, shelter, and safety.

- Emotional stressors produce psychological distress as experienced in feelings of fear, anger, shame, guilt, and worthlessness.

-       Social stressors frustrate normal growth needs by interfering with the development of attachment, achievement, autonomy, and altruism.

Teens in conflict (favoring their peers over their family, beginning to engage in behaviors they once knew to be wrong [alcohol and drug use, sexual activity, sneaking out and lying to parents, skipping classes and dropping out of school, criminal behavior, etc]) experience internal or external distress that triggers pain-based emotions, and therefore pain-based behavior. Ironically, coercive response from the parents, staff, or peers intensifies this distress (perceived or real). In fact, the word punishment comes from the Latin word poèna, which means pain. No responsible parent would punish a small child for crying out in pain, but would try to address the unmet needs. No medical professional would try to administer more pain to a patient in pain. But coercive pain-based responses involve “fighting pain with pain”.

Abundant Life Academy bears the moral obligation to insure the emotional safety of the ALA students, all the while serving the best interests of students in their care. Values of respect for ALA students are intentionally taught, and staff is trained to protect the teen’s dignity. This requires training in “the spirit of positive results” rather than just in techniques (manipulation) in gaining control over acting out behavior. Pain-based responses by adults do not protect children, and they only temporarily give relief to the adult.  The temporary relief turns into increased negative behavior, it’s only a matter of time. Unless Abundant Life Academy is transparent, willing to admit its flaws and imperfections, and all persons (staff, and students) have a voice, there is a high risk of pain-based responses from staff and student leaders, which inadvertently increase the acting out behavior which leads to deeper negative subcultures of both staff and students (opposing each other).

The argument that a coercive method of behavioral management “works” it does not legitimatize its use. The use of the coercion will pit the staff and student leaders against the students who are caught up in the pain-based behavioral acting out. The last thing the staff and student leaders want to do is create further division between authority and students, or reinforce the “Us vs. Them” environment.  The truth is that the staff and student leaders are responsible for protecting everyone from their own self-destructive acts (pain-based behaviors).  To refrain from responding with pain-based behavior, and to use “strength-base” responses to support and respect the students can serve as a “core” value within the student community.  Therefore, the staff, student leaders, and the students can have a place of emotional safety, where everyone has a voice, and all concerned come to know that everyone wants the best for the students, leading to trust, open discussion, and adoption of pro-social norms and values.

Abundant Life Academy employs the notion that teens have self-righting potential and innate strengths for resilient (overcoming problems).  At ALA we believe that the teens problems are the result of obstructions of social and emotional growth.  Therefore, there are obstructions of “well-being” and no urgency for emotional growth.  The focus, unfortunately, is on the troubled teen’s “acting out behavior”, and not on their emotional safety and growth. For teens to thrive, their basic physical needs must be met, as well as their need for attachment, achievement, autonomy, and altruism.  This is referred to as “resilience”, a mechanism for positive emotional growth.  If the needs of teens are frustrated, even by their own actions, they display a host of negative behaviors (problems).  At Abundant Life Academy problems are viewed as “opportunities”, opportunities for emotional and spiritual growth.  Adversity caused by the teen’s acting out behavior (pain-based behavior) presents learning opportunities.  The successful resolution of life’s problems/challenges provides the teen a positive experience leading to the development of positive strengths and resilience.

The truth is that if a teen is not able, or allowed, to positively resolve his/her own issues, the pain-based behavior and cycles of self-defeating behavior are perpetuated.  Parents, all to often, do not allow or enable the teen to resolve his/her own troubles caused by their negative choices.  Parents either rescue, or harshly punish (act out their frustrations and anger) their struggling teen.  This approach causes more of the troublesome behaviors, and less of the possibility for resolve.  Untrained staff are capable of the same outcomes, taking the teen’s pain-based behavior as a “personal attack”.  Troubled teens are good at pushing buttons, shifting blame, causing ongoing trouble that infuriates parents and staff. And, the most important issue is not the attacking out behavior, but the insight into the pain-based reasons behind the behavior.  Some need, perceived or real, is causing the teen to see him/herself as the victim.

The coercive reactions from parents and untrained staff can unintentionally cause all the stressors that lead to pain-based behavior to materialize.  Coercive treatment can produce unintended reactions. Coercive responses are to restrain, isolate, forced subordination through real threats of punishment, and provoked angry conflicts that cause increased restraints.  The outcome is increased agitation, increased aggression, increased conflict, and outrageous behaviors of defiance. Conflicts between authority figures (parents, staff, student leaders).

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