Troubled Teens and Loving the unlovable. By Craig Stephen Rogers, Co-founder of Abundant Life Academy. How do we love the unlovable, and why are troubled teens viewed upon as being unlovable?
Jesus was known for loving the unlovable. Who are the unlovable? Well, there are many factors that would define the “unlovable”, most of which are in the eye of the beholder. However, to the purpose of this blog post we are going to define the unlovable as “troubled teens“. Many people can relate to having a real hard time dealing with punk kids (troubled teens). Most people will agree that the most unlovable person they have to deal with are teens that are disrespectful, rude, selfish, insensitive, angry, hostile, and resentful. Who really wants to even be around troubled teens (besides me)?
My definition of a troubled teen is much different than most, so let me start the definition by stating that they are not “troubled” at all. Today’s troubled teen is a boy or girl who is emotionally immature, and lacks emotional intelligence. They are selfish, self-centered, and self-absorbed. They only think of themselves, they rationalize all their negative behavior away by playing “the victim”, and they adamantly declare that “its everyone else’s fault”. We call it “entitled brats”, or “entitlementitis”.
So, what is emotional immaturity? Aren’t all adolescents immature? Certainly they are, but when a 15 year old troubled boy acts like an 8 yr old you have what is known as “emotional immaturity“. Basically, EI is all relative. Meaning, when a 17 yr old girl acts like a 12 yr old it is at best very unbecoming, and at worst an entitled brat. EI is displayed in troubled boys and troubled girls as “ungrateful”, “unappreciative”, “self-serving”, “manipulator”, etc. The outcome is all the same. These troubled teenagers, by their own actions and poor choices, give themselves less of what they are looking for and more of what they hate…. and they have no idea they are responsible for it all. Why? Because they blame-shift, justify, and play the victim like nobodies business.
So, what are parents of troubled teens to do? What is the answer? The first answer is for the parent of the troubled youth to take a good look at themselves and understand that they are a big part of the problem. Most likely, it is the parent that has contributed to the lack of emotional growth far more than any other person, event, or circumstance. The “hover helicopter rescue squad” parent, the one who bails the child out, takes on the responsibility of every setback, disappointment, or poor choice the child creates is the biggest contributor to the development of entitlementitis. Children, like any adult, grows through adversity. The greatest adversity is the adversity that we cause upon our selves. When the consequences of our poor choices materialize we have created an adverse situation. Parents that rescue their child (do their homework, clean their rooms, blame the teachers for their child’s poor grades, etc.) are sending a strong message, “you don’t have what it takes to deal with this situation you caused yourself, so I, as your parent, must clean up your mess or you might break and fall apart… sorry honey, you’re just too weak to handle it.”
Rescuing parents are the major contributor to the emotional retardation of the child. This parent can’t understand why as the child gets older they become less mature. It doesn’t even dawn on them that they have created the monster (acting out child). The only way to deal with entitlementitis is for the child to take full responsibility for any poor choice they make. To the parents of troubled teens, the greatest act of love toward the unlovable (acting out child) is to allow them to face the music and to clean up their own mess.
More on this subject to follow….
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