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Tag Archives: Parents
True Friendship is Rare: Parents are not Friends
True friendship is a rarity these days, especially here in the west (North American Christian people). True friendship looks more like “acquaintanceship”. Or, as my brother once stated, “friends are either true, or they are ‘fair-weathered…. meaning, when adversity hits, when trials and tribulations arise, they scatter like roaches when the lights turn on, or like rats leaving a sinking ship…” I have two different types of friends. The true friends that are with me through thick and thin (accepting me with all my faults – there are many!) and the fair-weather friends (people who use me as long as it’s convenient and comfortable and serves them personally). The first group is “called” to friendship and follows a greater purpose, and the other group is self-focused and insecure, self-centered, and I’m called to serve them anyway (love your neighbor).
I love my fair-weathered friends. They are my gift, my service, my reason for living. It’s my calling to love those who are unlovable, untrustworthy, and lonely (exactly the way I was before I met my Lord and Savior, Jesus). My true friends sustain me and will always be there to “add”, “give”, and “contribute”… My true friends have been called to love me, keeping me fresh and strong, knowing that I need refreshment as I am stabbed and abused in the service toward my fair-weathered friends.
What does this mean to parents of troubled teens? Our children are not our friends, and we are in service to God as we sow into their lives. We invest into them because we are called to do so and we are to look for nothing in return. It’s never about us, it’s about them and we are “called” to serve, especially the children who are self-absorbed, selfish and self-centered. There are no “fair-weather parents”. There are good parents and bad parents (there are no “perfect parents”, only obedient parents who are plugged into and sustained by faith alone… Who know their calling, and it’s never about comfort). Therefore, we are to see everyone (our children and all other people) as family members, as brothers and sisters, daughters, and sons… There are no friends! There are only opportunities to serve or to be selfish!
God calls us His children and Jesus calls us “brothers” and “sisters”. We are all one family. Some of us are surrogate parents (true friends called to serve the “other children” of God) without judgment or want. Meaning, we are truly one big family (brothers, sisters, moms and dads) or God is not telling us the truth. We either believe (what He says about us in the Bible) or we don’t.
Therefore, when it comes to friends they are “my calling”, my family! Fair-weathered friends are my favorite, and it’s not about what they do for us (comfort, convenience, pleasure, ease, fun, enjoyment…), it’s what we do in obedience and the fulfillment of our purpose! To my fair-weathered back stabbing selfish weak-willed friends… You ROCK! It’s by grace that we are saved, and by grace I love you, forgive you, and will continue to serve you (Matthew chapter 5). In humility I truly love those who have scorned me, turned their backs to me, sold me out for some silver! I love you and because of you I am alive! And… I am no different, no better, and no higher than you! By grace alone am I anything, and nothing of myself!
Parents… You are to give up receiving anything in return from parenting your children. They are not your friend, and they are not there for you (your pleasure, ease, convenience…). You exist for them as you have been called to serve God in obedience!
Parents & Troubled Teens: “People – the source of all ill’s & all hope”
Parents and Troubled Teens: “People are the source of all ill’s and all hope in the world”
Parents and Troubled Teens need to know that “People are the Source of all Ill’s and all hope in the World!”. This is probably a very simple concept, and you will probably ask, “why did he write about the obvious…. daaaa!” But what the title of this post states is a great deal more than the obvious. People (parents and troubled teens) are the source of all ill’s and all hope in the world! At least, the very least, all ill’s and all hope come through people. Recently, I have witnessed the most ridiculous ills from people who are supposedly Christian. Let me be the first to say, “by no means am I perfect and I am probably the worst of all… and I am not “enough” to be the judge of anyone else. I am so far from perfect that it is extremely ridiculous for me to be the judge of anyone else…. at least until I overcome the millions of issues that I bring to the world each and every day!”
What I am talk about is simple, yet at the very same time it is perplexing… so perplexing that many billions of people over many thousands of years have tried in vain to grasp what I am talking about. The truth is, “people suck!” They are mean, hateful, selfish, self-absorbed, and live most of their life judging others as if they have a place to judge from. People that I interact with are good people, but they are at their core rude, judgmental, and they are constantly evaluating my actions (and the actions of others) as if others exist for satisfy their addiction to judge.
Judgment makes people seem retarded! To make judgments that are valid, understood, and valued one must first have their own act together. People (parents) who are able to make judgments (based on the fact that they are righteous, integral, and powerful people who contribute to the betterment of all people) don’t judge others! It really is that simple. People who are in a place to judge, DONT! They are in a place to judge because they don’t judge. Instead of judging others, they encourage through hope, they empower through empathy, and they serve through genuine concern for others (they are caring, trustworthy, and they serve others without strings attached). They look past the faults and flaws and others (“looking past” does not mean they ignore faults and flaws, but through humility and deep maturity they realize that they too have many faults and flaws) and see the value in people. They feel responsible to bring out the best in others, and to invest into others in a way that will bring forth value for everyone to enjoy. They feel accountable to others in such a way as to contribute to the world through patience, humility, and faith. They have learned to love unconditionally, and no longer live by the Spirit of Performance.
If you think about it, what people (parents and troubled teens) of judgment do is evaluate others by what others can do for them! Meaning, if someone does not do anything for them, if others don’t give up something that they want that serves them, then they are evaluated or judged based on “falling short!” They are then labeled, put into a box, condemned, and berated. How sad! Guess what? We all do it…. some more than others. But the truth is that we get mad, angry, upset, frustrated, betrayed, disappointed, and let down ONLY BECAUSE SOMEONE DID NOT LIVE UP TO OUR EXPECTATIONS AND THEY DID NOT PERFORM IN A WAY THAT MADE OUR LIFE EASIER.
Many parents who consider themselves to be “Christians” are the worst “performance-based” judges. They turn away the obvious gift (troubled teens), discount others based only on the fact that others are not serving their needs in the way that they deem appropriate. At this point in the “judgment process” the judgers feel empowered to be rude, condenscending, mean-spirited, and talk down to those who do not measure up to their expectations. Admit it…. we all do it.
When I come to realize that I have become prosecutor, judge, and jury, it is because someone has made my life more difficult, or did not live up to my expectations, put me out, or failed to meet my expected needs. They have made my desires harder to fulfill, and they contributed to my “must deal with list”. They (troubled teens) have put me “out” somehow, so therefore I dismiss them by judging their acts, judging their behavior, judging their intentions, and categorically I place them in the “less than” list (until such a time that they satisfy my wants, needs, and desires). If we are going to be honest with ourselves (as parents who judge performance) we have to admit that most of us operate this way, and our outlook with people are based on what these people (the troubled teen) do for us (live up to our standards, meet our needs the way we wish, and how they best serve our immediate needs).
What does this have to do with “parents and troubled teens”? Where do you think teens become troubled? They witness us (parents, professionals, mentors, life coaches) do it to everyone around us, and we teach them that it is okay to minimize others solely on the fact that “others” do not measure up to our expectations. We actually do this as parents to our children everyday. It is totally human to judge others, and to dismiss the value of others (even our children) when they don’t serve our needs, wants, and desires in the way in which want.
Since we all do this the best gift that we have to troubled teens is to admit to this problem. To admit that we are under the influence of the Spirit of Performance. We do not excuse ourselves of the judgmental spirit that we operate by…. but when we notice that we are judging, and we become humble, and we admit that we are wrong and that we have hurt those we love and care for, then we become something more than a judge. We become “believers, lovers of Christ, and a living example of His beautiful grace and mercy.” Seriously, what make us beautiful is our humility and the grace of God as we exercise empathy, understanding, and forgiveness.
Where are you today? Do you deserve to be the judge of others? If you have been judgmental do you think its time to reflect and rethink the judgement? Most likely, the judgement that you fall under is not about you, and you are being judge for their benefit and not yours. Meaning, they are not “doing this to you, they are doing it for themselves”. Give them a break, and exercise the spirit of Grace and be the example.
Related articles
- Craig & Wendy Rogers | Abundant Life Academy, a new Chapter (craigstephenrogers.com)
- Dating Violence Common Among Teens (education.com)
- Giving Teens a Voice in Health Care Decisions (education.com)
