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Tag Archives: parenting
True Friendship is Rare: Parents are not Friends
True friendship is a rarity these days, especially here in the west (North American Christian people). True friendship looks more like “acquaintanceship”. Or, as my brother once stated, “friends are either true, or they are ‘fair-weathered…. meaning, when adversity hits, when trials and tribulations arise, they scatter like roaches when the lights turn on, or like rats leaving a sinking ship…” I have two different types of friends. The true friends that are with me through thick and thin (accepting me with all my faults – there are many!) and the fair-weather friends (people who use me as long as it’s convenient and comfortable and serves them personally). The first group is “called” to friendship and follows a greater purpose, and the other group is self-focused and insecure, self-centered, and I’m called to serve them anyway (love your neighbor).
I love my fair-weathered friends. They are my gift, my service, my reason for living. It’s my calling to love those who are unlovable, untrustworthy, and lonely (exactly the way I was before I met my Lord and Savior, Jesus). My true friends sustain me and will always be there to “add”, “give”, and “contribute”… My true friends have been called to love me, keeping me fresh and strong, knowing that I need refreshment as I am stabbed and abused in the service toward my fair-weathered friends.
What does this mean to parents of troubled teens? Our children are not our friends, and we are in service to God as we sow into their lives. We invest into them because we are called to do so and we are to look for nothing in return. It’s never about us, it’s about them and we are “called” to serve, especially the children who are self-absorbed, selfish and self-centered. There are no “fair-weather parents”. There are good parents and bad parents (there are no “perfect parents”, only obedient parents who are plugged into and sustained by faith alone… Who know their calling, and it’s never about comfort). Therefore, we are to see everyone (our children and all other people) as family members, as brothers and sisters, daughters, and sons… There are no friends! There are only opportunities to serve or to be selfish!
God calls us His children and Jesus calls us “brothers” and “sisters”. We are all one family. Some of us are surrogate parents (true friends called to serve the “other children” of God) without judgment or want. Meaning, we are truly one big family (brothers, sisters, moms and dads) or God is not telling us the truth. We either believe (what He says about us in the Bible) or we don’t.
Therefore, when it comes to friends they are “my calling”, my family! Fair-weathered friends are my favorite, and it’s not about what they do for us (comfort, convenience, pleasure, ease, fun, enjoyment…), it’s what we do in obedience and the fulfillment of our purpose! To my fair-weathered back stabbing selfish weak-willed friends… You ROCK! It’s by grace that we are saved, and by grace I love you, forgive you, and will continue to serve you (Matthew chapter 5). In humility I truly love those who have scorned me, turned their backs to me, sold me out for some silver! I love you and because of you I am alive! And… I am no different, no better, and no higher than you! By grace alone am I anything, and nothing of myself!
Parents… You are to give up receiving anything in return from parenting your children. They are not your friend, and they are not there for you (your pleasure, ease, convenience…). You exist for them as you have been called to serve God in obedience!
Parenting Troubled Teens: Still Haven’t Found What I am Looking For!
“But I still haven’t found what I am looking for…” a song from the U2 album, Joshua Tree. “Haven’t found what I am looking for” is the immortal mantra of the human condition, captured by Bono, many years ago on the Joshua Tree album… and that song is still speaking volumes today, if we are willing to listen. The truth is that none of us really find what we are looking for, because we aren’t supposed to! If we do find “it” there’s always more (a deeper and more fulfilling level of “it”), because we are never satisfied, always seeking more; learning more, discovering more, experiencing more… Or, we are dead! It’s the human plot, man’s theory, our purpose… It’s destiny, our curse, and our freedom, and our total existence – all wrapped up into one reason to breath! There is always “something more”, or we are dead inside, no longer living, no longer tasting life (no wisdom and no understanding).
With or with out you… Another U2 song on the Joshua Tree album tells another story of the same episode. We, as humans, live or we have excuses. We either live, or we give ourselves away (die slowly). Bono says, “I can’t live with or without you!” I can’t live…. this song is the flip side, the tail to the heads of the coin. It’s either we live (have purpose) or we die. Unfortunately, the one thing that determines whether we live or die is “control”. The flip side of the control coin is freedom. “Live free or die” has been spoken (written) so many times by so many authors through the history of mankind (starting in the caves as prehistoric man captured life on the walls of caves). Songs have been sung throughout the course of man’s existence depicting the same thing.., live or die, seek to find or give up in death, find the triumph and victory or at least die trying!
The human condition (or experience) we seek is the same in all of us… To borrow a quote from Ransom Ministries, “We have an adventure to live, a beauty to rescue, and a battle to fight.” Parents, stop trying to control your child before they become teens. Momentum (their life spirit was formed before the foundation of the world [Romans chapter 8]). If they are troubled teens it’s too late to stop or even slow down the momentum (hold on because you are just along for the ride).
Raising a troubled teen reminds me of the movie Armageddon with Bruce Willis (Bruce and a bunch of deep sea well drillers save the world by deflecting a large astroid/meteor hurling towards earth). In the movie, the asteroid that was going to destroy earth, its path was to intersect with earth was determined billions of years ago… As the monster was heading toward earth People were living their lives (eating, drinking, marrying) on earth totally clueless at the momentum of the asteroid heading smack dab at earth. To save the earth Bruce Willis’ character had to “deflect” the asteroid just enough… guide it away… subtlety influencing its path (a direct path hitting earth with a thud that would end all life) before it was too late. Parents, you are Bruce Willis! By the time your child is a teenager he or she is an asteroid hurling through space with tremendous velocity… When you have a “troubled teen” the only thing you can do is to gently and subtly alter their course (deflect), using their own momentum, and redirect some of that energy onto a better (safer) path. This subtle influence might be a nuclear bomb (like enrolling them into a boarding school for troubled teens) but it had better be a gentle redirect and not an attempt to “stop” or “control” your teen.
Parents of young adults! Here’s my fair warning. If you are still trying to “save”, “rescue”, or “protect” (in other words “control”) your young adult (18 to 24) then “shame on you!”. You have not learned a thing and your selfishness is unbecoming of someone who is supposed to love their child. If, by the time they are young adults, you don’t know that “control”, “coercion”, and “shame” (should be) is all about you and your comfort then you will never learn and all the pain and agony of watching your adult child crash and burn is on your head!
Momentum is a funny thing! It can’t be stopped, it can only be altered or deflected.
Momentum Defined Part 3: Parenting Troubled Teens
Momentum and how parents can effectively parent the troubled teen. Today’s post is not “the good news” that most parents (that is parents of troubled teens are going to appreciate…). The information I post here is not filled with hope or immediate solutions. Momentum, and the principles of momentum, as I suggest, state that “it’s too late” for a parent of a troubled teen when you are in the midst of the crisis. Meaning, by the time a troubled teen is in the throws of total rebellion it’s to late to engage influence (as a parent of a teenager “influence” is the only tool that you have at your disposal… Otherwise you are left with the nuclear option, which is to enroll your troubled teen into a therapeutic boarding school – a totally necessary intervention in many cases).
My daughter Brooke, 17 years old, is the most amazing kid a parent could ever have… and she defies everything I have ever done as her Father. Her mom, Wendy, has done a fabulous job with Brooke. But I can’t claim the same! As a matter of fact Brooke is perfect (literally perfect) despite all my screw ups and failures. I write this admission of “parental failure” for only one purpose, and it’s not to “come clean”. I admit to failing as a way to define “momentum”. Basically, I am using the most real evidence I have ever known as a parent and professional parent coach as a way to define and describe “momentum”. My hope is that I can set a few parents “free” and onto a place of restoration and wholeness.
Brooke came out of the womb with her own purpose, her own style, and her own way of being. She is unique and a total delight, and from day one she was this “certain way” and regardless of what I have done, good or bad, she has accomplished marvelous things through what I call “momentum”. Momentum is a combination of our individual personality, make up, and bent. Additionally, we are born with a purpose, a destiny, and a unique “cause”. Together, our uniqueness and our “cause” are unstoppable. Our very unique and individualized personality is inherent in us, a gift of God to be displayed for His glory and purpose. It all starts at birth and the momentum of all this stuff (unique and individual – one of a kind) cannot be stopped by anyone other than ourselves. Momentum cannot be stopped by others, but can be stymied by our own doing (fear, doubt, resentment, etc.) I believe the momentum that is underway by the time a child reaches teen hood is impossible to stop (the speed, torque, and power is just too much) and can only be influenced (subtle alteration through guidance, coaching, and “trust”). I write this with tears of joy (literal tears) because Brooke is so beautiful, inside and out, and I had nothing to do with any of her development as a person. God is that good! He loves us regardless of who we are and what we do as parents, good or bad.
Brooke’s momentum is based unconditional love for everyone including those who have not fully appreciated her unique sweetness. Brooke is resilient, strong, and purposeful (she was born to accomplish a mission and has never let anything cause her to deviate from that mission and instead has allowed EVERYTHING she has experienced to ensure that the mission is accomplished). Brooke has never acted as a “victim” a day in her life. Although she has been mistreated grossly by a very religious and mean-spirited culture (we are “believers” [non-Mormons] living in Utah). She also was heavily discriminated against when we lived in a small fishing village in Mexico for several years. But with Brooke there has never been any hint of complaint, anger, or victimhood… Not a peep from her. She never places blame upon others either, nor does she complain about the way she is treated. Instead, she’s filled with appreciation, compassion, empathy for others, and positive hope that transcends the ugliness of others (its as if she is blind to their mistreatment toward her). It’s not in her make up to be a victim and she turns adversity into a positive strength. She doesn’t hold grudges and displays no element of bitterness… Bitterness has never crossed her mind or lips. She literally hopes for the best outcome for everyone including those who have mistreated her, undervalued her, or dismissed her. She looks at people with empathy and does not taste regret.
I have been a father who worked too much, giving more to others (staff, kids, families) than I gave my own children. I have been unpredictable, highly emotional (high maintenance) and extremely selfish (at times). All together I have been a typical “normal” American Father (who did slightly better than my own Father who was a workoholic). Despite all this Brooke has always forgiven me, and wants nothing but the very best for me. She always wants to spend time with me (doing nothing in particular, just being together is enough). Brooke defies logic, principle, and reason. She has allowed me to see how ridiculous my notions are (parenting, leadership, and business training knowledge… all my knowledge goes out the door with Brooke). Brooke taught me about the concept of “momentum”. She also has taught me about the “spirit of performance”. Overall, her momentum has overtaken my ideas, concepts, knowledge, and platitudes and put them all into proper prospective (into the trash where they belong). Brooke has humbled me and became my teacher.
So, to all those people who strive to control, carry tremendous guilt, and beat themselves up (seeing themselves as failures, letting people down, falling short) please STOP! We are all born with a purpose and a passion, a reason, and a destiny. Even I have a destiny and a purpose (it’s becoming more clear each day).
We all are born with a soulmate too, the perfect person, “the one”. We look for them until we find them. Its in our DNA to seek them out and it has a large part of the power behind “momentum”. We might not find them, or we might screw it up and prevent ourselves from being with them, but it’s all predetermined. Even men and women in prison have soulmates (the one God choose just for them) but because of their choices they are prevented from being with “the one”. But their desire to be connected does not go away just because they are locked up. They might not be with their soulmate due to poor personal choices and their need to seek out this mate will only grow stronger.
As parents of teens “seeking” their soulmate do you really think we can stop or prevent them from seeking, discovering, or finding “the one”? Do we get to decide who the one is? This “seeking” starts shortly after puberty and grows stronger with each day. Clueless kids handling momentum – dangerous! Welcome to parenthood! I could better describe this entire notion of teens in trouble by using my 21 year old son’s teenage love affairs. But he and his “girl” will kill me. I will leave it alone until they are much older but I can share this one thing…. To get in between my son and his affections for this girl would cause irreparable harm for all concerned. I learned many things during those tumultuous years and those nuggets will be the basis of some of my greatest wisdom. But for now I will stay with Brooke’s sweet momentum and avoid world war 3.
We all have momentum. And…as our parents could not dictate who we “fell in love with” (or, became infatuated with) we can’t possibly control the love life of our 15 year old. You can’t mistaken momentum, and if you are going to have any positive influence you must understand and rely solely on “trust”. Can you give up the “control”, the “guilt”, and begin to understand that momentum cannot be stopped? We are who we are, we’ve done what we’ve done, and we love whom we love! It’s the same with our teens. Most of what and whom we are we were born with and it will play out despite our addiction to control our children (we believe that things “should be” a certain way and we use manipulation, coercion, guilt and shame to make things turn out the “way it should be” [meaning, "the right way"]… But do we really have the ability to control anything that has momentum?).
Brooke has dismantled my perfect parenting lesson plan and turned over my best parenting curriculum. She has basically broken my mold, spoiled my intelligence, ruined my principles, and made low my “wisdom”. She’s challenged all that I’ve held dear (professional training) and taught me to have an opened mind and be ready to accept the things I cannot change and to thoroughly enjoy, cherish, and be thankful for her momentum (especially because Caleb’s [my 10 year old] momentum is like the asteroid in the movie Armeggadon [Bruce Willis, Ben Affleck, Liv Taylor]).
