Tag Archives: ALA

Originators vs. Responders Part II – Troubled Teens and Emotional Growth – What makes a leader effective?

When if comes to Troubled Teens and Emotional Growth, what makes an effective leader?  Who is the leader? In Originators vs. Responders Part II we discuss the troubled teens and the emotional growth connection.

How do we take accountability?  Why should we take accountability?  How would I know that I have taken accountability?  What do we take accountability over?  Why don’t we take accountability for things we caused, meaning what are the things we are afraid to face and let go of (knowing it is not our doing, our fault, or our responsibility)?  Can we get away with not taking accountability?  What happens if we don’t take accountability?  Who gets hurt?

In every conflict we have an “originator” and a “responder”.  There is someone (or a group) that starts a conflict through an action (behavior) or failing to act when they should have.  To make a conflict there must be an action or inaction, intended or not, that is not taken into account.  Meaning, someone does something that offends another and that action is not accounted for, nor is there a person who takes responsibility.  Therefore, the offense is “stuck”.  It’s out there, real or perceived, and it is causing discord, hurt, betrayal, and offense.

The devastation that is caused by the offense of the originator is worse than any other type or kind of hurt or betrayal.  The offense of the originator stops all possibility of growth of the relationship.  Forget about any prosperity or positive movement forward in the relationship until the offense is dealt with properly.  Everything personal between two people, or people and an organization/group, will not progress any further, it won’t grow, and it won’t be healthy for anyone until the offense is dealt with and overcome.  So, if the originator has all the power to solve the problem caused by the offense, what exactly does he or she need to do?  What steps need to be followed?  What does it look like to be the originator of an offense and then solve the conflict (hurt) and restore the relationship?

First, and foremost there must be overt act on the part of the originator to show solid authentic and genuine empathy, remorse, regret, and repentance for what they have done to cause the offense (whether they meant to offend or not).  Meaning, the originator must get out of his/her self-centered viewpoint and truly feel the plight of the responder; this must happen before the responder is able to respond to the original offense, thus taking accountability for what he/she has done.  Why should the originator quickly take full responsibility?  Because most likely the responder is going to respond poorly, causing the conflict to continue and to cycle from one offense to another, known “as the inappropriate response to the originator”.  If this happens then the originator will most likely be offended, hurt, and respond in kind.  This is the dance of insanity, where each person (or group) will respond in such a way as to continue the hurt – being hurt – hurt again cycle that doesn’t stop.

There is a Norteno’s gang in Los Angeles and their turf is a ten-block neighborhood. Directly to the east of the neighborhood there is a Gang affiliated with Sureno’s.  Both gang’s hate each other, and there is no love lost.  Three weeks ago one of the Sureno’s ventured into the Norteno’s neighborhood and he was killed.  The killing was gruesome and hideous.  Last week the Sureno’s piled in a car and struck back.  They drove into the Norteno’s neighborhood and did a drive by shooting into an occupied house, killing two gang members, a little girl, and a grandmother.  Yesterday the Norteno’s got revenge.  Ten Norteno’s crashed a Sureno’s party and shot the place up, killing four people.  This cycle has been going on for the last decade.  Hundreds of people have died, hundreds more are in prison, and the devastation caused by the turf war has ruined thousands of lives.  Each gang blames the other for all conflict, death, and destruction.  It will never end because no one will take ownership or see them selves as the originator, and they are caught in a dance of insanity.  The only way out is for one of the gangs to show some leadership (gonads) and take responsibility.  They need to hold themselves accountable.  Decide that there will be no more killing, or destruction of lives.  A great leader can bring about a truce and convince (build trust) the other gang to put down their arms and protect their families.  There are many instances where a gang member with true leadership abilities stands up and takes total responsibility, and convinces his own gang members of doing the same.  Stop the insanity.  Then, they go out and convince the other side.  They take a stand for what is right.  They become others-centered.  They cast a vision to both groups and they say, “we can’t allow another young boy or young girl to die, we can’t allow one more mother to die and leave behind orphans.  We can’t live in this never-ending war of death, destruction, without hope.  Let’s come to our senses, band together, and lets see the next generation get an education, live in a place of safety, and lets turn our neighborhoods into a prosperous community.

But leaders like the one described above are few and far between.  Mostly we have self-centered, self-absorbed, cowards who say, “its all about me and I don’t care about anyone else or who I hurt.” A coward cannot take responsibility for being an originator, they can’t hold themselves accountable, and they can only play the victim and blame everyone else for their poor choices.  They are afraid to take a stand, look deeply within them selves, become honest, and make the hard changes.  They are entitled, whiners who complain, moan, and gripe about everything.  They don’t take initiative but continue to selfishly take others time, energy, and resources.  They become a sponge, draining all the hope, courage, and goodwill from everyone they meet.  Most of them are “hurt people” who have no problem “hurting people”.  If they are miserable then others are going to be miserable too, and they are going to feel their pain.  They attack anyone who tries to help them, and anyone who tries to show them a better way becomes their next victim.  People, with good hearts and good intentions, reach out and try to help them out of their dance of insanity, and in doing so they get slapped, kicked, mocked, and scorned – they become the next enemy.

It is known that emotional maturity usually begins at the age of 12 or 13.  At this age kids are supposed to stop being so fragile, so needy, and so dependent upon others to meet their needs.  At this age children are supposed to become more aware of who they hurt or offend, they are supposed to start taking responsibility for their poor decisions and bad behaviors, and start becoming young people of honor and respect.  Sometimes it’s a slow process, but by the age of 15 or 16 teens are supposed to be developing empathy, compassion, and a sense of integrity and morality.  They are supposed to become more caring and self-reliant, more independent and trustworthy.  Unfortunately, way too many teens do not grow emotionally and are stuck at a pre-teen emotional level.  Being 15 or 16 years old but acting at the emotional level a 10 year old is very unattractive and unbecoming.  But they don’t see it, and they think that everyone else exists for their needs; they treat people like objects, and begin to feel the pressure from their inappropriate behaviors.  Unfortunately, the immature teen looks at all the bad things that are happening to them and sees more stuff to blame on people.  It’s never their fault, and of course they are the victims and parents become the enemy.

What is the answer?  It is so simple.  When anyone, teen or adult, understand the concept of the “originator” and the “responder”, and take the position of power (originator) they are able to get up and out of the hole they have dug and stop all the negative consequences they keep receiving.  In the place of power, understanding their role as originator, they are able to take responsibility for what they have done to others that caused hurt, offense, and discord.  By taking responsibility they have true remorse.  They have put themselves into the place of the other people, and felt their pain, and then turn and repent for causing the pain.  Simultaneously they authentically forgive the responder for responding so poorly, and take total accountability for the entire conflict.  In effect, they become the leader, the type of leader described in the story of the two gangs in conflict.  They take the lead in stopping the dance of insanity.  They cast a vision of what it would be like to stop the conflict and heal from the offense.  They set their eyes on a better, healthier relationship, and then they are patient as it takes time for full restoration.  This describes a true leader.

For the Abundant Life Academy student leader to fully acknowledge what they have done (inappropriate behaviors, poor choices, lying, deceiving, being defiant and hurtful, striking out, saying mean and hurtful things, etc.) and forgive their parents (and forgetting) about anything the parent may have done to bring hurt or offense into the relationship, is emotional maturity and power.  Whether the parent was the originator, or the responder, it doesn’t matter.  The ALA student leader will step up, and take charge (become empowered), take responsibility, set their sites on a new plan and vision (be accountable), and inspire the parents to do the same.  To be successful the teen leader must look deeply within themselves and see what damage and harm they have caused, be sorrowful, and yearn for a better more constructive/fruitful relationship.  Be willing to endure, through leadership, the slow and painful process of restoring a relationship.  Hopefully, the parent will join with them, making it a faster and a more beautiful experience.

Students of ALA receive DISC training (personality blends and insights on how to honor all people despite their temperaments), EQ training, and the Choice (Leadership and Self-Deception).  The ALA students are not only trained, but they are given the opportunity to apply the training.  With it, they are coached as they learn a new way of living.  They receive coaching from their peers, and from the staff.  They are rewarded greatly for stepping up and caring enough for others that they become the change agents, the source of inspiration for growth.  The ALA student who learns the concept of originator and responder, and the leadership application of that particular concept, take with them a powerful tool that they can employ the rest of their lives.  Additionally, they will be the one who always comes out on top, achieves the most, gets the best job or promotion, and has the most meaningful and rich relationships above all others.  This person is attractive, respected, appreciated, and enjoys the best parts of life. They live their lives empowered, capable of dealing with tough situations, able to overcome hardships, with the ability to lead others to live more fruitful lives as well.

The ALA student who fails to learn this concept is stuck, and bound to repeat all the behaviors that led them to being enrolled into ALA.  Unfortunately, they will have dozens of new people to hate and blame.  They will see themselves the victims of their parent’s stupidity and unfairness (for enrolling them into ALA).  They won’t see how their behavior forced their parents to do something outrageous, like enrolling them into a boarding school for troubled teens.  They will also hate and blame the staff of ALA.  They will recall the consequences they received from ALA staff as a victim would.  Even though the consequences were the result of their own negative inappropriate behavior, it will be someone else who is stupid, gay, and retarded.  They will paint themselves as someone who was mistreated, uncared for, and punished for doing nothing.  What is really unfortunate is that they take this attitude and belief into the world, where they will become victims of their own doing very quickly, but now the consequences hurt, and they are swift.  In the real world victims are discarded, overlooked, and no one cares about their whining and blaming (except other emotionally immature people who love the company of other victims so they can whine together about how stupid everyone else is).  These teens and young adults find themselves in a world of hurt, all their bridges to family and good people have been burned, and they find themselves isolated, lonely, disenfranchised, and without hope.  The moral of the story is “don’t be a victim of your own doing, and grow up!”

This week we are going to make a list of all the things we have done to our parents as the “originator”.  We are going to think deeply, spend time remembering, and while we explore all the offenses and hurtfulness that we have created we are also going to get into the shoes of those we hurt and offend.  So, we are going to write about what it must have felt like for their parents to be hurt by them.  The students are going to describe at least 20 situations where they were the originators (ungrateful, selfish, hurtful, defiant, and nasty little knuckleheads).  In each situation that is described they are going to come clean, openly admit their wrong, and demonstrate true remorse and sorrow for what they did.  They will finish each of the 20 scenarios by describing what it must have felt like to be their parent.  Lastly, they are going to describe how their parents responded, and distinguish their response as being poor, or appropriate, given the circumstances.  Meaning, did the parents strike back, causing more offense (dance of insanity), or did they respond appropriately.

Be ready to work with Pastor Shawn and use Jesus as the example of how to be an effective responder.  Please read one of the four Gospels of Christ (first four books of the New Testament) and be prepared to give an answer to Pastor Shawn about how Jesus responded appropriately to offense and scorn (hurtfulness) from others.

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