Originators and Responders…. How does conflict and discord come about? The ultimate key to successful relationships
Offense, whether intentional or not, is the foundational action that leads to organizational conflict and discord. The offense that leads to organizational conflict/discord, which is misunderstandings, disrespect, discord, dissension, hurt, betrayal, and overall dysfunction, has a predictable pattern that is observable and fixable. Organizations effected by the dysfunction related to offense, to name a few, are governmental bodies, community organizations, businesses of all kinds, athletic teams at every level, academic institutions, clubs, churches, informal groupings of friends (peer groups), and most importantly families. For the purpose of this teaching we are going to focus primarily on the conflict and discord regarding families.
Conflict and discord in the family unit can be extremely detrimental and harmful to all people involved. Certainly, familial relationships that experience ongoing and continual offenses can be damaged, destroyed, and eventually discarded. Relationship can be so dysfunctional that there seems to be no possibility of repair or restoration. Most families experience some level of this kind of dysfunction and therefore most people can relate to the hurt and sense of loss and regret associated with familial discord. This can be the most hurtful type of offense one can experience in their lifetime, leading to all kinds of relational dysfunction throughout their lifetime.
What causes the conflict and discord? Certainly, one or more of the familial members are selfish and self-absorbed. In other words, certain members become self-engrossed, where everything becomes “about them”. This self-centeredness can cause more damage than one can imagine. However, there is something very unique and distinctive about the self-centeredness that causes the unimaginable hurt, leading to the profound dysfunction that causes tremendous offense to all parties. Before the dysfunction comes the original offense, and the original offense is an act of self-centeredness. The originator, the person who is self-centered and selfish acts out their selfishness in a way that causes harm to the recipient. This selfish act is the originator of the conflict and discord. The recipient becomes the “responder”, and can only respond to the harmful act of the originator. The responder can respond in a proactive (positive) manner, or respond in negative way causing the continuation and downward spiral of the originator/responder conflict. Ultimately, the negative response from the responder is just as detrimental as the originators act that started the conflict and discord.
A 15 year old male sneaks out of his bedroom one night and hooks up with some girls, they sneak into a party with older kids. There is a great deal of alcohol and a few older kids are smoking tons of pot. The 15 year old male gets hammered and passes out. The 17 year old throwing the party (his parents are gone) is pissed, and wants the drunk and stone 15 year old idiot out of his house. The girls that came with the 15 year old drag him out of the house, but due to the fact that they are hammered they only get so far. A local police officer drives by, and the freaked out girls scatter in different directions. The intoxicated and passed out 15 year old boy is left there by himself. The boy is transported to the hospital and finally the police are able to find out enough information to call his parents. His parents go down to the hospital and find their son still drunk, passed out, and heading to jail. They are very angry and the dad goes off, yelling and screaming, upsetting the mom. The 15 year old wakes up for the first time and sees his dad yelling and mom crying. The dad notices that his son has woken up and begins to yell and scream. The dad is escorted by the police out of the hospital room and as he is escorted down the hall he continues his tirade. The 15 year old is very upset and yells out, “I hate you, you bastard!”
In the scenario above who is the originator and who is the responder? Who has the power over the situation, and who is losing power? Who is the one that can change the situation and fix it so that everyone can win, eventually? Who has no power over this situation and cannot fix the situation, but can make it much worse? Who is able to respond in a positive and proactive manner, making a bad situation more apt to turn out positive, if possible? Who really is the one who can make the traumatic situation be turned around, resolved, and headed back to a better relationship despite the apparent major setback? These questions are extremely important to be answered. A “family coach” (Christian counselor, therapist, Pastor, etc.) cannot help a family overcome the damage done by the originating offense without both parties (parents and child) understanding fully the “originator” and the “responder” and the roles each play.
Most of the time the responder is looked upon as the problem and most of the energy (cause, blame) is put on the responder. This is especially true with the originator, as the responder responds negatively it tends to justify the originators original action. So, in the case of the 15 year old he is obviously the originator. His actions were ridiculous, stupid, and could have caused great harm to himself and others. Dad responds very poorly, causing the son and the mom to be hurt deeply by his emotional terror. Dad screams and yells, which is understandable, and causes mom to stand with the son, and despises dad’s behavior. Now the focus is on the dad, but he was only responding to the original offense. Had the son not snuck out and got extremely intoxicated and incarcerated the dad would not have responded poorly. But, in the eyes of the son (originator) he claims that he sneaks out and drinks because dad is such a jerk. So, the originator blames the responder. Also, mom is now more disgusted with her husband for his poor response, and now moves over to defend and protect her son, as if he was the one who was responding. Now we have a major problem with little hope of restoration.
The truth is that the son has all the power and ability to restore the relationship and fix everything. The dad can only respond, positively or negatively. The dad has no other option. To respond negatively causes the opposite of what he was looking for, and to respond positively only opens the door to a good resolution, but the power of full restoration comes from the son (originator) alone. This scenario plays out over and over again, and usually there is no progress or resolve as it only gets worse. There is only more offense, more hurt, and more conflict/discord. The secret is to know when you are the originator and stand up like a strong and noble man or woman and take responsibility for the originating offense and make restitution. The secret to successful relationships within a family is to take responsibility when you are the originator and to become the solution. The ability for anyone to know the “originator vs. responder” system is to be mature, powerful, and successful in every area of your life. To not know the “originator vs. responder” system is to be a powerless victim of yourself causing all your own problems but never knowing all your bad outcomes are due to you and you alone.
At Abundant Life Academy a 16 year old student sneaks a cheat sheet into his room and shares it with his roommates. The entire room of boys uses the cheat sheet and they get caught. During the investigation they all lie at first, and then when presented with overwhelming evidence that they cheated they finally admit what they did. In the process of investigating the cheating scandal more bad behavior is discovered, and many more students are implicated. The originator was the boy who snuck the cheat sheet into his room and then shared it with his roommates. The responders are the roommates. The roommates become extremely angry at the originator, and threaten him with isolation and violence. The other students implicated in the discovery of other negative behaviors (unrelated to the cheating scandal) are also very angry at all the roommates, blaming them for the negative consequences they received as their behavior was discovered in the investigation. So, all the focus is on the responders. The responder’s response justifies the originator’s negative behavior. The originators are one, the student who brought in the cheat sheet, and two, the other boys given consequences for their negative behavior which were discovered in the investigation. However, the focus of blame and hatred are toward the responders. At this point it is obvious that none of the students have emotional maturity, and they are stuck. The possibility of these kids learning from this experience is slim and none and they will most likely repeat the negative behavior and get caught again. This cycle of offense and consequence continues, sometimes for decades, until the originator realizes that he/she has caused all the harm, and they alone have the opportunity (power) to get out of this negative ugly cycle.
The responders could have confiscated the cheat sheet and compelled the originator to turn himself in for sneaking out the cheat sheet. If they had used integrity and were trustworthy, and if they had turned in the originator, they would not have gotten caught and only the originator would have been punished. Also, if the other unrelated students had not acted out their negative behavior they would have never been discovered because it wouldn’t have happened. Instead, the originators are in full belief that the responders are at fault and they blame them for the negative outcome. The originators don’t learn anything, and will only continue with the negative actions, still believing that they are a victim. Many druggies believe that if the cops didn’t exist then they would have no problems. The laws are stupid, and the legal system is the reason why they are in trouble. To the druggie there is nothing worse than the inappropriate behavior of the law enforcement, District Attorney, judge, and those responsible for making up the dumb laws in the first place. When the druggie gets caught by his/her parents then it is the parents who are gay, stupid, and retarded. To the originator (druggie) the consequences for drug abuse has nothing to do with their own behavior, it’s the stupid and gay authority who is to blame. When kids skip school, smoke pot, lie, fail at school, hang out with the wrong crowd and get in trouble for going along with this wrong crowd it’s never their fault. Parents are retarded, police officers are stupid, and all authority has conspired to ruin their lives. It has nothing to do with the fact that they are hanging out with knuckleheads doing stupid things, it has nothing to do with sneaking out or lying, it has nothing to do with failed grades, or drug use. It’s all about the stupid, gay, and retard parents/police/teachers/coaches/pastors that are ruining their life.
This dysfunctional system plays out every day, especially with emotionally immature self-centered youth. They are the originators of the offense but blame (justify) their negative choices on others (parents and authority in general). Anyone who is dumb enough to come along side the originator and help them out of the nightmare they have created becomes the next person to blame. It’s truly amazing how the emotionally immature teen is able to turn him/herself into a victim (responder). It is so convincing that many fall into the trap of supporting their delusional behavior. The real responder (parents, teachers, police, etc.) are not able to “fix” the originator, but they are able to respond in a positive pro-social proactive manner. When the responder does respond in an appropriate way there is a better chance for the originator to take responsibility and change, modify, and correct their offensive behavior. The responder has limited power, and they are not empowered to correct the original offense. Only the originator, with true remorse and desire to fix the offensive behavior, can overcome the offense and restore the relationship. When the originator is able to see his/her offense in the originating behaviors they have the chance to take full responsibility. Therefore, they are now able to take accountability and make new decisions. So, when they recognize their offensive behavior (selfishness, self-centeredness, self-absorbedness) and take full responsibility, including the display of remorse and full acknowledgement (confession), they then can follow through with the self-imposed consequence, and ultimately a change of heart (building the confidence in all parties that there will be a true heart change and the offensive behavior won’t happen again). The responder can lay the ground work for this proactive solution by the originator, but the responder can’t force compliance. The responder can respond in a counter-productive manner and screw everything up. The very best scenario is when the originator recognizes what they have caused, owns up, and commits to changing the behavior. In this case the responder can help the restoration occur, or hinder it, and that’s it… no other choice. All the power for restoration lies with the originator.
This week we are going to delve into the notion of the originator and responder. It is better described as having “wisdom”, “knowledge”, and “understanding” (in other words, emotional maturity). We are going to look at the Book of Genesis, and the “fall” story of Adam and Eve. We are going to decide who was the originator of the fall, and who was the responder. We are going to look at all the options they had, and all the choices, and discuss the possible outcomes of all the options and choices. We are going to look at all those who were negatively affected by the originator’s offense. Be prepared to follow Pastor Shawn’s teaching on this matter, and to complete the assignment, and join in the discussion. Additionally, we are going to look at King David and discover how he was the originator of the offense, and how he handled it. We are going to look at all the real victims of King David’s offense, and how David took responsibility, had true remorse, and rectified the program. We are going to look at the prophet that confronted King David, and how the prophet was a responder who responded well. Ultimately, we are going to look at Jesus, and His disciples, and look at the originators and the responders, and how ultimately it was handled.
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