Manipulative Troubled Teens | Manipulation and Submission to Authority by Craig & Wendy Rogers, Parent Coaches.
Manipulative Troubled Teens and their manipulation and failure to submit to authority. Where do they learn to be manipulative? Who modeled the skills of manipulation to the teen? Parents, teachers, coaches, church members, pastors, peers, TV, commercialism, politicians, society in general?
Do words have meaning, and does the “heart” or “spirit” behind a word matter? For example, the dictionary states that the definition of the word “manipulation” is skillful or artful management. The word “manipulate” is defined as to manage or handle with skill or cunning. Manipulation is not good or bad, and it’s certainly not evil. But why do we immediately tag a negative connotation to the word “manipulate” or “manipulation”? When you hear the word “manipulation” what comes to mind? Bad things, bad people, bad situations perhaps? Most people think of someone who is manipulative as being a con artist, a scammer, or someone who is shady. But is manipulation bad? Not according to the definition of the word. The word “manipulation” is actually more of a positive description than a negative one. More importantly, our words, and the meaning (spirit) behind them, are important.
Romans 10:17, “So faith comes from hearing, and hearing by the word of Christ.”
When you first read the definition above did you think to yourself, “you gotta be kidding me”! “Manipulation, ‘Skillful or artful management?’ ” There is no way that one would have guessed that the words manipulate and manipulation are more often than not thought to be a negative behavior by an untrustworthy shady character. But these words were never intended to depict negativity. Why are the words manipulation and manipulate negative? Because there are so many more people who manipulate negatively than there are those that manipulate positively. Especially among troubled teens. Many parents of Abundant Life Academy describe their troubled child to be a major “manipulator”. The truth is that today’s youth are major manipulators, and way too many of them are manipulate negatively. A friend of mine used to say, “kids these days are not immoral, they’re amoral.” Meaning, they have no compass, no morality, no internal boundaries.
John 1:1 “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.” Obviously, the meaning of a word is very important. Jesus, the Word of God, was the purpose of God, the plan of God, the will of God. Words mean something. But, people have used the Word of God in bad ways, to start controversy, to hurt others, or even start wars. The Word of God is not bad, or evil, but people using it in bad and evil ways can and will hurt people. Every day people use Jesus name in inappropriate ways. The same is true with the word manipulation. People can manipulate others in such a way as to serve them, to keep them safe, and exercise no control over them (set them free). Yet others, can use manipulation to lie, cheat, and steal from others, all the while CONTROLLING their every move. Again, the word “manipulation” is not the culprit. It is the heart of the person who is using manipulative tactics in a bad fashion that gives the word manipulation a bad rap. Bad, or negative manipulation, is the act of controlling others in a deceitful way, and most of the time against there will.
Acts 5:3-5 But Peter said, “Ananias, why has Satan filled your heart to lie to the Holy Spirit and to keep back some of the price of the land? “While it remained unsold, did it not remain your own? And after it was sold, was it not under your control? Why is it that you have conceived this deed in your heart? You have not lied to men but to God.” And as he heard these words, Ananias fell down and breathed his last; and great fear came over all who heard of it. Obviously Ananias lied to manipulate his friends into thinking he had done a great deed. He ended up deceiving only himself, suffering from loss and regret. He tried to manipulate the situation for his own gain. People manipulate situations, events, or people. Some, like Ananias, manipulate situations in a self-centered, selfish way and paid the price. Some manipulate in positive ways, inspiring others, and using manipulation of situations, events, and people in a way that sets others free! This is exactly what Jesus did. Jesus used the corruption of the Jewish religious leaders to bring about a revelation of Himself, so Jesus manipulated the Jewish Scribes and Pharisees, not only revealing the Deity of Jesus but the unrighteousness (sinfulness) of religious leaders. Therefore, Jesus manipulated the situation to bring for the glory of Truth.
Normally, when someone says, “I’ve been manipulated”, or “He is such a little manipulator”, it means that someone has gotten over on us, cheated us, or misled us in a very demeaning way. However, the word manipulation is not a word describing a negative act of any sort. The word manipulation is a neutral word, meaning it is not good, or bad, it’s neutral. What determines whether the word manipulate is an act of kindness or an act of cruelty is the posture of one’s heart. When someone manipulates a situation to serve the best interest of another, then the word “manipulation” reflects a positive pro-social act. On the other hand, if someone uses anything to manipulate a situation to serve themselves, at the detriment of others, then the word manipulation reflects a negative, self-centered act. Again, it’s all about the posture of one’s heart.
When a young man lies to his parents about whom he will be hanging out with (I’m going to the movies with Johnny but instead of the movies with Johnny they are at a party at Joe’s) he is obviously attempting to manipulate their parents in a negative fashion. This is an overt act of self-centeredness and defiance, as well as being disrespectful to authority. When the young man is caught later, he/she loses trust and respect. Therefore the manipulation is detrimental, causing loss and regret. Or, when a young lady tells their parents that she will be at the Mall with Susie, but in reality they are over at a friend’s house hookin-up with the boys, then obviously Susie is attempting to manipulate someone who cares for her. To manipulate a stranger is one thing, but to manipulate someone who loves and cares for you is far more detrimental. Of course, when Susie’s parents find out that she lied they are hurt deeply, and Susie loses dignity, self-respect, liberty, and trust. Yet Susie most likely will continue the manipulation of the situation and blame her parents. Susie, in the continued manipulation, acts like a victim, thus attempting to further manipulate her parents and the situation. But is manipulation bad, or is it Susie’s intentions (heart) that makes it bad?
To manipulate someone is to compel them to act in a way that you would want them to act. When an employer hires a person and decides to pay this person a certain wage in exchange for services rendered, the paycheck is a form of manipulation. For example, a contractor negotiates with a plumber on a price for work on a construction project. The contractor, after careful analyses and consideration decides that he will pay $10,000 to the plumber to complete project “A”. The contractor tells the plumber that project “A” is a 5-day job, and it must be done on time. The plumber checks his figures, costs, and the blueprints and decides that it is a fair price and believes he can complete the job in the allotted time frame. But the contractor adds a twist. He offers the plumber an incentive. The contractor offers the plumber a $2,500 bonus if he can get the job done in 3 days. But that’s not all. The contractor also states that if the job takes anymore than 5 days to complete, the plumber agrees to forfeit $2,500 of the original $10,000 as a penalty for being late. The plumber agrees to the deal and he sets off to do the job.
The contractor manipulated the plumber through incentives and penalties. To the contractor there is a tremendous value to getting the job done quickly, and a detriment if it takes too long. “Time is money,” says the contractor. So, what is the heart of the contractor in this case? Is he in it for himself, acting selfishly, or is he thinking about the other people involved? Essentially the pressure on the contractor is to complete the job as fast as possible without sacrificing quality work. The contractor is rewarded monetarily for getting the job done quickly. So, he decides to share his reward with the plumber, who just so happens to be the guy doing the work. It’s a classic win-win situation if all goes well. The onus to perform well is on both parties, and the negative penalty for not getting the job done is shared as well. The contractor has manipulated the situation so that both parties can win, and if they lose, at least the loss is shared and not as painful.
Lets say there is a motorcycle cop who routinely hides behind a billboard on Interstate 15, and is often found pointing his radar gun at oncoming traffic. Does this scenario constitute a threat? Is it manipulation? Is the presence of the radar gun a threat to anyone who is late for work, behind in schedule, or driving fast for no particular reason? That question is a no-brainer; of course the cop is a threat under these circumstances! To those going the speed limit however, the motorcycle cop with the radar gun is no threat at all. With the safe drivers that police officer represents safety and a peach of mind. How can it be both? Well, it depends upon which behavior you honor more, speeding or driving safely. The fact that the motorcycle cop regularly stands in that spot with his radar gun is a manipulation in and of itself, especially if this is something that he does periodically throughout the week. Anyone who regularly drives this route, expecting a motorcycle officer could possibly be behind the billboard with a radar gun, will most likely drive the speed limit. Therefore, the possible presence of the motorcycle cop, coupled with the threat of a $100 speeding ticket, compels (manipulates the drivers of Interstate 15 to drive safely and to keep it under the limit.
What is the overall goal of the motorcycle cop? Well, if the goal is to line his pockets (paid bonus for writing the most tickets) then his attempt manipulate drivers is criminal. If the motorcycle cop believes that the road in that one stretch is dangerous (due to all the accidents caused by speeders) then we can be happy that the cop is doing his job. If the officer’s intention is to keep you and your children safe, then praise God that he is catching those who violate the law and put all of us in to jeopardy. Because, it is obvious that your health, safety and welfare is his (the officers) business and he is simply doing his job keeping you safe. Therefore, the motorcycle cop uses the radar to manage and control safe outcomes.
Normally, when we come up against an authority that we don’t agree with, and we don’t want to adhere to an expectation, policy, or rule, we attempt to get around it, over it, or right through it. This is the usual time for a negative manipulation. When we do something we know is wrong, and we cover our tracks, we are trying to get away with something we know is not good. The “cover up” is the manipulation. The posture of our heart would be to get something that is not ours, or we something we have not earned, or something that has a consequence yet we don’t want to get caught. Usually, we will find negative manipulation associated with an authority we are opposed to.
1 Timothy 6:2-4 “Those who have believers as their masters must not be disrespectful to them because they are brethren, but must serve them all the more, because those who partake of the benefit are believers and beloved Teach and preach these principles. If anyone advocates a different doctrine and does not agree with sound words, those of our Lord Jesus Christ, and with the doctrine conforming to godliness, he is conceited and understands nothing; but he has a morbid interest in controversial questions and disputes about words, out of which arise envy, strife, abusive language, evil suspicions”
So, negative manipulation (lying, deceiving, rebelling, etc) is usually brought out through one’s defiance toward authority. Umm….. So, we don’t want anyone telling us what to do or how to do it, so we manipulate people and situations (deceive) in order to get our way or to avoid responsibility/accountability. But is that smart? Is it intelligent to risk getting caught, or is it worth losing our self-respect or dignity in exchange for rebellion toward authority? Again, negative manipulation is usually associated with rebellion toward authority, and the negativity is an obvious outcome of the rebellious one’s heart (darkness).
Related articles
- Abundant Life Academy Parent Reviews (craigstephenrogers.com)
- People of Hate are People Who Lack Emotional Intelligence (craigstephenrogers.com)
- California Parents using Therapeutic Boarding Schools in Utah (craigstephenrogers.com)
- Reality Check for Troubled Teens | Worried Parents (craigstephenrogers.com)
- Repairing your Online Reputation 101 | Part 6 (craigstephenrogers.com)
- Intolerance Practiced by Angela Smith and Eric Norwood (craigstephenrogers.com)
- Repairing your Online Reputation 101 | Part 3 (craigstephenrogers.com)
- Craig Stephen Rogers | Standing up to hypocrites and hypocrisy (craigstephenrogers.com)
- Repairing your Online Reputation 101 – Part 2 (craigstephenrogers.com)
- Heal-Online & Fornit’s Wayward Web Fora Falsify Info to Harm Boarding Schools (craigstephenrogers.com)
- Responsibility and Discipline | Human Rights and Freedom (craigstephenrogers.com)
- When A Good Life Is Bad News (mgpcpastor.wordpress.com)
- The Generic Villain on Puppetmasters and Priorities from Exchange of Realities (exchangeofrealities.com)
- The Matter of False Brethren (thingspaulandluke.wordpress.com)
- Manipulation; a Superpower? (harryshammer.wordpress.com)
- “Jesus did a trade” – Outreach Media (martinspribble.com)
- Latter-day Saints must follow the example of Christ (reasoningwiththecritics.wordpress.com)
