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Is humor a great coping skill when working with hurt troubled teens
Over the years, while working with troubled teens, I have developed some very entrenched and engrained coping skills. These skills come out when I am under pressure, when I face adversity, and other wise stressed out. Working with parents of troubled teens is just as stressful, many of them are hurt, confused, and very emotional. I love serving them, but it takes it toll. So, I have developed coping skills to endure the raw emotions that seem to be overwhelming. Most of these skills are healthy; a few are not (still working on it). The best coping skill that I am proud to discuss is my sense of humor. It took a very long time to develop, with a great deal of effort, and it finally became automatic after a long consistent investment of every ounce of effort I could muster. This coping skill is very useful, and I think everyone should invest into it; they won’t ever regret the effort. The funny thing about this coping skill is that it involves funny. My best coping skill is humor. I have learned the art of laughing at the antics of people who hurl insults at me. I have also taught these skills to parents seeking help for their troubled teens
The truth is that I had to learn to not take myself seriously. I learned to see myself as someone who is just like everyone else, nothing special, and through this process I learned to laugh at myself (especially when I do something dumb). Moreover, when people ridicule me, insult me, and say all kinds of nasty things about me, I find humor in it. It is almost automatic. Recently, there is a little knucklehead who states very degrading and offensive comments meant to mock me. My first response is that I laugh. For some reason, perhaps because I know this kid, it is very funny to me. My alternative is to get mad, upset, and hurt. But instead I share it with a dozen or so people, and we all get a kick out of it. At times I feel bad because the knucklehead is a real person, a young man who we all love and care for. He is hurting himself, and is stuck. We are not laughing “at him”, we are coping with the pain he must be feeling. It is sad, and we all would do anything to take that pain away. He is miserable, and we wouldn’t wish that on anyone, not even our enemies. And, he is not listening to anyone other than other kids in pain.
I have really looked at the situation and we have decided to laugh so that we are not caught up in the offense. We are committed to not respond with a heart at war, but to love with a heart at peace (Matthew 5). But we are also finding several other ways to use it. First, we show the “example of pain” to people who would otherwise feel that they were the only people who have a child facing these kinds of issues. We show them how to respond in the most appropriate ways. We take all the ugliness and turn it into hope, and forgiveness. We don’t stick our head in the sand, and we don’t buy into the anger. We respond in love. We give opportunity for change by speaking the truth in love, and we don’t give up. We won’t buy into the arguments because there is no ability to reason with hurting people.
Recently, we had a young man and his parents arrive to enroll the young man into Abundant Life Academy. Prior to their arrival the young man was not sure that he wanted to go along with his parents decision. This young man was given permission by his parents to read all about ALA on the Internet. In his research of ALA the young man was led to visit the site where this former student spewed his hateful speech (we refer to it as pain-based behavior). When he read my responses to those who were attacking me he decided to get behind his parents decision to enroll into ALA. My responses of truth, and reality, presented in a respectful and loving way, impressed him. He felt that ALA was the right place for him. He felt that he would get the support he was looking form. There are several new students who have been enrolled because their parents read my responses of hope. We actually promote this nasty web page, because it gives people an inside look at who we are. With every hateful statement, and my response of love, we are able to present the truth of who we are. In conversations with parents about this web page from former students I have been commended over and over again about how I respond. The comments are “you show great wisdom, maturity, and empathy… I would be so angry, but you respond in a way that is demonstrating the love of Christ.”
Well, I take no credit. If it were not for Jesus I would respond with retaliation. I would respond in kind. I would be resentful, hurt, and angry. But I am not, and I can honestly say that my responses are not from me; they are responses of love only because they are led by the Holy Spirit. They are responses of true compassion. I get to show the world who Jesus is, and He uses a flawed and defected person such as me. I am amazed at what God is able to do through me, despite my sinfulness, weakness, and ugly flaws.
So, we decided that we are going to use the statements of the young man in pain as an opportunity to teach other students about “pain”. We have decided to use these statements to bring about the Glory of God. What this young man is doing is strengthening our resolve, our commitment, our obedience to serve him and others. We believe that we all have an obligation to love people who are in pain (lost and confused). We teach that we are to have a heart for those who can’t, or won’t, help themselves. And, the truth is, that we are all like the hurting young man. We are no better than he is, and we are all hurting people. We are all in need of a Savior. We are all in need of each other, and to be supported, even when we are attacking others. Jesus saved us while we were dead in our transgressions. Jesus did not evaluate our behavior and then decide to give us forgiveness and freedom from oppression. None of us have earned His love, nor is anyone is deserving of His blessings. We are all hurting, and most of us are lying to ourselves and others as we put on a front. The admirable thing about the young man spewing hate is the fact that he is being honest and authentic. He is not holding back any part of his pain. He is being vulnerable and transparent. At least he is being real.
So, I have learned a valuable coping skill. There are always going to be people who we are close to that will lash out and attempt to hurt us, and hurt as many people as they can. I privately have a very good chuckle, and I try to see the cleverness of his antics. If you like comedy, you might be able to find enough humor to avoid taking someone’s ranting seriously, or be offended by them. Again, we all have a choice on how we take or “see” things. I choose to see the antics with a flare of humor, and at the same time I see an obligation and a duty to find a way to reach out and love him with strong truth. Perhaps, like many others that I stay in contact with, this young man will eventually come around and find that my commitment to him, and the lack of resentment or offense (I don’t keep score), will lead him to do the same for others. And, when he begins to care for others, he will be okay.
In the meantime I have hope, and faith, and will find a way to turn the hurt-based attacks into something good, where others are blessed, and others are encouraged, despite the attempts to hurt me. For me? I get to have some deep belly laughs, which then turn into sadness for him, and I follow through with words of love, encouragement, and hope. Humor, my coping skill!
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