Emotional Intimidation | Using Strong Emotions to Control Others

by Craig Rogers, Parent Coach, and former CEO and co-founder of Abundant Life Academy

Emotional Intimidation is something we all practice.  Especially when we attempt to “get our way”, and when we feel compelled to control others for our own comfort.  When we really get down to the place of honesty, the real and authentic deep self-reflective honesty, we must all come to the conclusion that we ALL practice some type or form of emotional intimidation. Emotional intimidation is inherent in our need to “control”. Our attempts to control our environment, control the people in our lives, and to control the outcome that is most favorable to us starts the day we are born.  At Abundant Life Academy (a therapeutic Christian boarding school for troubled teens) I taught on “Emotional Intelligence“, or EQ.  EQ is a place where we do not get enough training, and the important elements of EQ (accountability and responsibility) are the keys to relational success.  In this article we will explore a little about the notion of Emotional Intimidation, emotional terrorism, and our need to control others to get our needs met.

Recently, I was sitting on some bleachers watching a local high school football game. To my left was a woman sitting amongst her family holding a small child (I would say this adorable little girl with curly blonde ringlets was about 18 months old). This toddler was not a happy camper and she was letting the entire crowd know that she was unhappy. Her wailing was driving everyone crazy and she was much louder than the crowd of cheering football fans. Dad seemed to be really perturbed and his frustration level was evident upon his face. Finally, mom got up and took this precious little girl (she was as cute as a button) to the bottom of the bleachers, pacing back and forth. The child immediately stopped crying and seemed to be very happy. Unfortunately, mom brought the child back up to her little group of family and friends and the wailing started all over again.

Mom went through this dance with her child three times before she realized that her little darling was going to win. Mom stayed at the bottom of the bleachers the remainder of the game and missed some exciting football. This little bundle of joy made sure that she got her needs met, and come hell or high water she was going to use all her power to get her way. I said to myself (as I smiled in total admiration), “what an effective little emotional terrorist!” Now, before you get upset with me I will admit that an 18 month old does not have the cognitive ability to manipulate anyone. What she was doing was instinctual. Her only means of communication up to this point is to cry. The only way she can get her needs met is to cry. This is totally normal and the way it is supposed to be.

Philippians 4: 5- 9 “5Let all men know and perceive and recognize your unselfishness (your considerateness, your forbearing spirit). The Lord is near [He is coming soon]. 6Do not fret or have any anxiety about anything, but in every circumstance and in everything, by prayer and petition (definite requests), with thanksgiving, continue to make your wants known to God. 7And God’s peace [shall be yours, that tranquil state of a soul assured of its salvation through Christ, and so fearing nothing from God and being content with its earthly lot of whatever sort that is, that peace]which transcends all understanding shall garrison and mount guard over your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. 8For the rest, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is worthy of reverence and is honorable and seemly, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely and lovable, whatever is kind and winsome and gracious, if there is any virtue and excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think on and weigh and take account of these things [fix your minds on them]. 9Practice what you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, and model your way of living on it, and the God of peace (of untroubled, undisturbed well-being) will be with you.

Moreover, mom seemed to be an awesome mom. She did not lose her cool, and she seemed totally committed to that little girl. By taking her to the bottom of the bleachers mom took her to the place of comfort (they actually seemed to have fun together). It was amazing to watch. I am sure that mom didn’t mind missing the game (dad was intently watching their son play) and as a mom she did the right thing under the circumstances. Overall, it was an interesting display of family dynamics. My point in bringing up this scenario is the notion that some people never stop using “emotional intimidation” even after they are grown adults. The truth is that we all do it to some degree.

Have you ever known a person who is potentially emotionally explosive and you have to “walk on egg shells” whenever you are around them? And, there are certain topics that you just don’t bring up? That is emotional intimidation! There are some people who “shut down” and pout when confronted or challenged, especially when you challenge their poor decision-making (avoidance, denial, lying, passive-aggressiveness, etc.). There are hundreds of different tactics that describe emotional intimidation. Essentially, emotional intimidation is whenever you over-hype your emotional state for the purpose of compelling others to act in way that selfishly benefits us at the sake of others. It’s basically controlling others through strong emotions, coercing them to act against their will in order to meet our needs. People wanting to control their environment for the sake of comfort often use heightened emotional states to manipulate those around them. This is a form of emotional intelligence, or the lack thereof.

To some degree this type “emotional terrorism” plays out in every relationship. Those who have developed keenly honed skills of emotional manipulation (highly developed skills sets to avoid responsibility or accountability) use emotional terrorism to “get their” way. Unfortunately, they rarely get what they are looking for. As a matter of fact, they often get more of what they are trying to avoid. They give up the long-term peace for the short-term comfort, and never learn to grow or cope with adverse situations. They are selfish, self-centered, and narcissistic. They drain the peace and the hope from their relationships and then act as the victim. They are basically on the exact same emotional level as the little 18-month girl I described above.

There is a person that I work with that has these skills developed down to a science. He is highly manipulative, self-focused, and self-absorbed, but has fooled many people into seeing him as the victim. The sad thing is that he plays the victim well, and blames all his circumstances on other people. The truth is that he is highly gifted and totally capable of greatness in every respect. He simply struggles with being accountable for his own choices. I am not that much different than he is, none of us are. We all do it, but this guy seems stuck and all the pain and discomfort that he faces is never his fault. People actually buy his lies. He is basically a liar. But he doesn’t have to be… he has so much to offer, and his abilities are far greater than most. I think its an ingrained habit that he has failed to overcome.

More importantly, the most important facet of this topic is the truth that we all are emotional terrorist in one form or another. We use our emotions to “get our way”! I think it is unavoidable, and we don’t live in a world without disappointment or betrayal, and there is a great deal of unfairness. Therefore, we are all stuck in the cycle of emotionalism, some handling it better than others. If you are alive and breathing someone somewhere will let you down and stab you in the back. It is the way people are….

The most important thing about this topic is “how do we deal with an emotional intimidator”? There is only one way… and that is to focus on empathy, grace, understanding, and patience… with the intentions of helping the emotional intimidators to learn and grow, and to operate from a different more meaningful place. We all have an obligation to recognize this pattern of emotional manipulation within ourselves first, and then without judgment find a way of “empathy” to help others to learn and grow, without using shame or guilt. The place of empathy is a place of understanding and a place of mercy. It’s knowing in our hearts, through humility, that we are not “better” than others, and that we too will fall into that place of intimidation. Using our strong emotions in order to control our environment (people) and achieve peace. But it can only come through humility, giving back, and living a life of grace, reaching out to others with compassion and charity.

One final note… I have a long way too go before I can honestly say that I am in a place to help others to refrain from using emotional intimidation to get my needs fulfilled. I have a lot of work to do before I can righteously condemn another person for using emotional terrorism. But I am still a work in progress so I say, “Glory to God and I am so thankful that His promise is that He will never leave me nor forsake me!”

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